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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

ICDI--You Want To Change Someone Else? Fagettaboutit!
Sunday November 27, 2005

The presidency of George W. Bush needs to be born again, for the country's sake as well as his own. He doesn't have to fall on his knees and repent, but he needs to replace the arrogance, vindictiveness, spin and cronyism that have characterized his administration with humility, candor, competency and accountability - in effect, an extreme makeover.

~Philip Gailey, "Second Terms," St. Petersburg Times, October 30, 2005, p.3.

Some things hardly change at all and when they do, differences are hard to discern. Examples that come to mind are continental drift, erosion and the personalities of people. The latter are not a lot more amenable to human interventions than the former. Modest variations or adjustments occur over the life cycle, but hormonal shifts more than advice from columnists, psychological counseling, cajoling, pleading, self-improvement study and so on are the most promising influence in personality modifications. Even then, changes are subtle, over time. In reference to the above quotation about our fearless leader's need for "an extreme makeover," I say, in the style of The Godfather, "fagettaboutit."

Anyone desiring to change personalities, whether one's own or others and not just a president's or other powerful leaders', should consider an icantdoit perspective. You are not going to succeed in trying to change difficult co-workers, relatives (especially spouses) or others, though you may manage the trick with a child--if you start young enough and are very clever at it! Even here, the prospects are unfavorable.

If you are looking for a sure-fire, near certain pathway to ruin or a hopeless cause to adopt (and why would you seek such a thing?), this would be a good bet. Again, with regard to changing someone else, I urge you to "fagettaboutit."

Better strategies for dealing with personalities that vex you include the following:

Eliminate the offenders (in other words, fire them, divorce them--I'm not advocating homicide here).
Move or otherwise avoid them.
Figure out ways to cope with or expect less from them (recognize that they will always be a pain in the arse, or worse).

The last is the recommended icantdoit approach for most situations. Adopt the notion that the key to getting along with nearly everyone else, not just the obviously annoying types, is low expectations. It's hard to be disappointed if you don't expect very much.

The best performance outcomes often start with giving up (reframing) customary ways of thinking about things. This includes expecting drunks to reform when they promise "never again" and all kinds of other expectations based on YOUR hopes, not realistic prospects for change in others. Yes, some drunks do reform--and good on them, but most folks do not make dramatic changes at all or in time for you to avoid despair and misery waiting for it. The same poor prospects hold for those who manifest other qualities you want to reform, be they bogus beliefs, unrealistic aspirations or, in the case of 58 percent of Americans (based upon the latest polls), a desire for a president with greater "humility, candor, competency and accountability" than they perceive in George W. Bush.

An icantdoit perspective is that such is wishful thinking--all in the same category as buying lottery tickets, praying to gods that don't exist and watching video reruns of dropped passes--hoping that the ball will be caught on one of the replays.

Expect less, focus on behavior and base your assessments of others on performance, not hopes.

Be well and always look on the bright side of life, no matter how dim the light.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of applied wellness. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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